Monday, June 24, 2013
Conversation with a Groundhog
Today a groundhog pulled up in a pint-sized BWM sedan. He wore a spiffy suit and carried a little briefcase. Soon I was looking at prison-time in a whistle-pig burrow.
Groundhog: Mishtur Essit? Is that you, sir?
Blogger: Among other things. What can I do for you?
Groundhog: Do? I hopes you don't DO to me what you done did to Lucius T. Groundhog, offspring of Phyllis T. Groundhog. Namely, shot and killed! Twice!
Blogger: You have evidence of this crime against your species? Blogger then mutters under his breath: second shot is always to be certain.
Groundhog, presenting papers: Evidence, you say! Oh Yesh I does! I is a attorney you knows! I gots testy-moany (Phyllis bein' both in a testy mood and moanin' about her dear dead boy) that you done trapped and killed little ol' Lucius, on account of him nosing around a garden you claims as your own!
Blogger: I admit to live-trapping, then shooting and killing a varmint, yes. He did not give a name when confronted.
Groundhog: He was just a pee-wee, and didn't know nuffin' about gardens, 'specially ones that ain't been fully fenced.
Blogger: That's his problem. Human law lets me remove pests, lethally.
Grounghog: That am SO cruel! An' we ain't humans! You could o' sent him to Miami Beach instead!
Blogger, looking for trap and rifle: I asked the kind-hearted administrative assistant at work if SHE wanted him, when she quailed over my planned use of lethal force. No dice.
Groundhog: You ever seen Caddyshack? We demands restitushun! Demands it!
Blogger: That was a gopher, and this ain't no golf course. See you in court, fuzzy-wuzz.